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Poems, Words, Random things, Etc by Apocalypse409

Outstanding Literature by British-Prophetess


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Submitted on
August 21, 2012
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I met you on August 18th of 2008.
I remember how hot it was in the classroom
That day and how your eyes widened with confusion
As I sat down next to you.  
I will never forget those eyes.

You loved Mondays and dreaded Fridays.
I thought you were crazy and you told
Me that the only reason was so you
Could see me in school.  
I still thought you were crazy.

We would do our math assignments on the
Playground and talk about our lives.
We were so different, but you always
Insisted that we were absolutely perfect.
I wish I would have known how right you were.

--

I miss you so much that I can't sleep.
But I have to keep moving because you
Promised me that we would be again, remember?
You held my hand for a second too long and
Told me that you would see me tomorrow.
And I believed you because your eyes had that same
Warm look in them that you always got when
You would tell me something important.

I've seen you three times since then, and we
Have walked away from each other the same.
Would you listen to my thoughts if screamed them into the sky?
Or if I slowly whispered them into the dark?
Are you still there? Or am I chasing a ghost?
Sometimes I can't breathe.
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:iconassureastheskyisblue:
This is my favourite of everything in your gallery. I... this is amazing.
This is beautiful, and it draws me in until I can't breathe.
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, this is such a sweet and sad piece.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

I absolutely love your use of enjambment and how you have your line breaks positioned just right in combination with your punctuation. It really made this piece a pleasure to read and enhanced the flow greatly.

It also showcases your talent that you tell a story and stick to the 'storyline' throughout the piece. If it had meter it could be a ballad, but it's what I have nicknamed a 'free verse Ballad'.

The only thing that bugs me, and almost spoils the poem, is the cliché way it is written. Phrases like 'I miss you so much that I can't sleep' are trite and overused. This problem could be cleared up by using some imagery or description, which this piece lacks (except in your description about the eyes). Try using metaphors, similes, alliteration - all the poetic devices that are there at your disposal for such purposes as to make poetry unique and special.

While the emotion within this piece is evident and almost tangible, and definitely relatable to your readers, it is also missing that something special that would make this into a great piece.

ST 4 L3 - should it not be 'be together again'

ST 5 L2 - should it not be 'the same way'
ST 5 L3 - should it not be 'if I screamed'

Overall, you have a good poem here that could simply do with a little more imagery and emotional tweaking.

:star::star::star::star::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconfrei76:
frei76 Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012
wow! I love what you write and how you do it! I wish I could express my feelings in this way, even if the situation you are talking about is very different from mine, the emotions are the same ... and also I wonder if he, with all his fine words and promises, is still there for me or not! (sorry for my bad english) :cling:
Reply
:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
And I bet you can write beautifully. Give it a shot. :)
Reply
:iconfeatherlovers:
FeatherLovers Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
that just like totally made me cry it was very good
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Student Writer
awwhh, well thanks!
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:iconfeatherlovers:
FeatherLovers Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
i love ur poetry
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Student Writer
thanks!
Reply
:icontinkerbellluv:
Tinkerbellluv Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012
beautiful. <3
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