I met you on August 18th of 2008. I remember how hot it was in the classroom That day and how your eyes widened with confusion As I sat down next to you. I will never forget those eyes.
You loved Mondays and dreaded Fridays. I thought you were crazy and you told Me that the only reason was so you Could see me in school. I still thought you were crazy.
We would do our math assignments on the Playground and talk about our lives. We were so different, but you always Insisted that we were absolutely perfect. I wish I would have known how right you were.
I miss you so much that I can't sleep. But I have to keep moving because you Promised me that we would be again, remember? You held my hand for a second too long and Told me that you would see me tomorrow. And I believed you because your eyes had that same Warm look in them that you always got when You would tell me something important.
I've seen you three times since then, and we Have walked away from each other the same. Would you listen to my thoughts if screamed them into the sky? Or if I slowly whispered them into the dark? Are you still there? Or am I chasing a ghost?
Now, the crit: ST = Stanza L = Line I absolutely love your use of enjambment and how you have your line breaks positioned just right in combination with your punctuation. It really made this piece a pleasure to read and enhanced the flow greatly.
It also showcases your talent that you tell a story and stick to the 'storyline' throughout the piece. If it had meter it could be a ballad, but it's what I have nicknamed a 'free verse Ballad'.
The only thing that bugs me, and almost spoils the poem, is the cliché way it is written. Phrases like 'I miss you so much that I can't sleep' are trite and overused. This problem could be cleared up by using some imagery or description, which this piece lacks (except in your description about the eyes). Try using metaphors, similes, alliteration - all the poetic devices that are there at your disposal for such purposes as to make poetry unique and special.
While the emotion within this piece is evident and almost tangible, and definitely relatable to your readers, it is also missing that something special that would make this into a great piece.
ST 4 L3 - should it not be 'be together again'
ST 5 L2 - should it not be 'the same way' ST 5 L3 - should it not be 'if I screamed'
Overall, you have a good poem here that could simply do with a little more imagery and emotional tweaking.
wow! I love what you write and how you do it! I wish I could express my feelings in this way, even if the situation you are talking about is very different from mine, the emotions are the same ... and also I wonder if he, with all his fine words and promises, is still there for me or not! (sorry for my bad english)
In the Wind Rises
Tribute Contest, we
asked you to
celebrate the art of
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Week continues! This
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More