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Submitted on
April 11, 2012
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860 bytes
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I want you to love me
A little like I love you.
Like lovers kissing
For the first time that
It sets the world on fire.

And I plan to burn down
With it because I keep failing
To realize that I'm more than
Just a body for you to touch,
A body for you to hold.

You arms around my ribs
Makes me feel so fragile,
But so safe that I could not
Possibly break while you
Contain me.

And I can feel you hand slipping
From mine even though I beg
You to stay because I hate
The word goodbye and how
You look as you walk away.

Please,
I want you to remember me
When you arrive.
And I want you to remember me
When you leave me behind.
I don't know how to write anymore.
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:iconassureastheskyisblue:
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to keep commenting how perfect everything you write is. I need to take all these things and bundle them up for my ex-boyfriend and tell him that I finally found someone who put my feelings to words, and that he can finally see what happened.
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Good! Maybe it will make things better if you do. Sometimes poetry can speak more words than anyone can, which is why I write. It's how I get my feelings out. And again, thank you so much for your support!
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:iconassureastheskyisblue:
Again, you're very welcome :)
Poetry makes it a lot easier most of the time, from what I can tell!
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, while I do find a lot of this cliché, there are stunning moments of individuality and creativity.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

ST 1, L2 - I would insert 'bit' between 'little' and 'like' so that the sentence becomes 'a little bit like I love you'. The way you have it is not grammatically incorrect, it just sounds funny to me when I read it without the 'bit'.

I also have a small issue with "for the first time that/it sets the world on fire". It also sounds off to me, but I have no idea how to 'fix' it. I know what you intend it to mean, but it just comes across as awkward.

ST 2 is one of the sparks of originality that makes this poem a great one. My only 'change' would be changing the comma after 'touch' to a semi-colon.

The first half of ST 3 is also a spark that makes this well worth the read.

You have punctuated this well, and used enjambment to great effect, except in ST 4. Here the entire ST is one sentence, which makes it hard to read. I would think about adding some punctuation to this ST just to make it more readable. For example, a comma could come after 'mine'.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece with its original sparks and its good grammar.

:star::star::star::star::star:
Jo
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! I agree with you for the most part. :)
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:iconshadowthetimelord:
ShadowTheTimeLord Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's so beautiful that I'm shedding tears... :')
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
I'm sorry it made you cry. :(
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:iconshadowthetimelord:
ShadowTheTimeLord Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:XD: It's alright! It was just so beautiful! :meow:
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
Well, thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
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:iconghostwritergmk:
ghostwritergmk Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love it:)
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