this is so wonderful and sad, I'm sorry for your pain - I've been there too. am there? who knows. I'd like to think I'm not in that same exact situation as every other time, but let's face it, to think this time is any different may just be the grandest delusion of them all. This is so beautiful. I love "Just maybe, you could be loved once, and loved most." <3 thank you for being so eloquent! your writing really makes my heart ache... y'know, even more.
I'm also in GrammarNaziCritiques. This was on my list, but I just got to it today (been busy).
Sorry I didn't get to it earlier, because I couldn't disagree more with TheGlassIris.
I think the content of this poem is fine, and it doesn't need to be inflated with additional bizarre, borderline pornographic, imagery (what was with that?). Subtlety is good, and less is often more.
The emotional sense you convey is great for this work; analytical, distanced- it suits it.
The only major issues I have are with flow, particularly for the beginning of the poem.
Free verse is the easiest kind of poetry to write badly, but the absolute hardest type to write well. Free verse has structure, flow, and order- or should- it's just more complex, and depends on each and every piece fitting together into a perfect whole.
E.g. "And the fact that he is alone." reads poorly in the context of the rest of its stanza, and the prior one. "And the fact that [break] he is alone." Is more fluid.
Basically, just a matter of breaking some lines, and moving some words to prior or latter lines.
Try to read it without paying attention to the meanings of the words, and the melody of your writing will come through more. If you have trouble doing that, rewrite the poem with nonsense words that rhyme with the existing words and have the same number of syllables (that should help you get the meter without the meaning to distract you).
Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of . I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.
First Impressions Language is a little flat and unemotional. Again, it sounds like a reporter or a drumming solo. While the context is clear it could use a little more information to color it with specifics. It's a little general and flat to say the least.
The images in this piece are still not digging deep enough to get at the really important and interesting emotion. You have a lot here that can be pulled out or built upon.
Final Impressions Do the same things as "On Sadness": re-work your images, concentrate on making the emotion more palpable, use language to its fullest extent, etc. Remember to mind your language of cliche, use concrete detail in place of any adverbs, and combine it with use of figurative language to convey emotion instead of directly stating.
Here's how I would re-write this piece:
Your body has been used By a broken man. The fact of this occurrence may not mean anything to you, so eager to try and repair imaginary wounds on imaginary love songs, all of which are sung slowly, draining themselves of both sound and pleasure.
You are a hand for him to hold while he thinks of some other woman, lying in the darkness, contemplating the sad songs composed by his pity. He does not matter and you, in your delusion of mercy, try to assuage his insignificance. Do not forget the emptiness and the fact that he (and you) are alone in this house.
For a brief moment while he gropes your insides, (as if in search of some treasure a priceless virgin jewel or a stream of self-effacing pleasure that smells of pale gold) you feel as if you are a little closer to becoming his half, his body, his heart, his missing and in your self-erasure it (you) are perfect. If only until he spends his pocketful of change, you are a thousand million dollars, and slowly your value decreases.
He recites memorized lines And you wonder who else Has heard them before you, But you tell yourself that You're the first anyway. That love is blossoming, no. That his cock is a cherry tree towering with blossom, that you are watering his ego with your resplendent tears and sun-like smile, cracked as a mirror, but for him nonetheless.
Yes, your body has been used. And you smile at this fact, knowing (or perhaps wondering) if love is not unlike this mercy of yours. And your cherry tree boyfriend in his fruitlessness, in his towering blossom, and empty dreaming you are there. And in this fact, you have drowned a thousand little girls.
I would probably rename it too. "Maybe" is such a general title. Hope this helps.
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this morning and saw
there are 232
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