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Poetry and more by frei76

Literature by DevilsJewel94

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Submitted on
November 17, 2012
File Size
897 bytes
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52 (who?)
Your body has been used
By all of those who are broken.
The ones who are trying to repair
Their own wounds with
No regards towards your own.

You are a hand for him to hold
While he thinks of her
And tries to forget the emptiness
And the fact that he is alone.

For a brief moment while
He is inside of you,
You feel as if you are the
Missing half of the whole,
And it is perfect.

He recites memorized lines
And you wonder who else
Has heard them before you,
But you tell yourself that
You're the first anyway.

Your body has been used
By all of those who are broken,
And you begin to wish that
Just maybe,
You could be loved once,
And loved most.
I am very much guilty of this.
Sometime I like to pretend I am okay.
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killzonekrissy Featured By Owner May 25, 2014
:( this is so wonderful and sad, I'm sorry for your pain - I've been there too. am there? who knows. I'd like to think I'm not in that same exact situation as every other time, but let's face it, to think this time is any different may just be the grandest delusion of them all.  This is so beautiful. I love "Just maybe, you could be loved once, and loved most."  <3 thank you for being so eloquent! your writing really makes my heart ache... y'know, even more. :)
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for the kind words! You'll get though whatever hardships you're going through. Everything always gets better, I can promise you that. 
PoshSingularity Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2013  Professional Artist
I'm also in GrammarNaziCritiques. This was on my list, but I just got to it today (been busy).

Sorry I didn't get to it earlier, because I couldn't disagree more with TheGlassIris.

I think the content of this poem is fine, and it doesn't need to be inflated with additional bizarre, borderline pornographic, imagery (what was with that?). Subtlety is good, and less is often more.

The emotional sense you convey is great for this work; analytical, distanced- it suits it.

The only major issues I have are with flow, particularly for the beginning of the poem.

Free verse is the easiest kind of poetry to write badly, but the absolute hardest type to write well. Free verse has structure, flow, and order- or should- it's just more complex, and depends on each and every piece fitting together into a perfect whole.

E.g. "And the fact that he is alone." reads poorly in the context of the rest of its stanza, and the prior one.
"And the fact that [break]
he is alone."
Is more fluid.

Basically, just a matter of breaking some lines, and moving some words to prior or latter lines.

Try to read it without paying attention to the meanings of the words, and the melody of your writing will come through more. If you have trouble doing that, rewrite the poem with nonsense words that rhyme with the existing words and have the same number of syllables (that should help you get the meter without the meaning to distract you).
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:. I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.

First Impressions
Language is a little flat and unemotional. Again, it sounds like a reporter or a drumming solo. While the context is clear it could use a little more information to color it with specifics. It's a little general and flat to say the least.

The images in this piece are still not digging deep enough to get at the really important and interesting emotion. You have a lot here that can be pulled out or built upon.

Final Impressions
Do the same things as "On Sadness": re-work your images, concentrate on making the emotion more palpable, use language to its fullest extent, etc. Remember to mind your language of cliche, use concrete detail in place of any adverbs, and combine it with use of figurative language to convey emotion instead of directly stating.

Here's how I would re-write this piece:

Your body has been used
By a broken man. The fact
of this occurrence may not mean anything
to you, so eager
to try and repair imaginary wounds on
imaginary love songs, all of which
are sung slowly, draining themselves
of both sound and pleasure.

You are a hand for him to hold
while he thinks of some other woman,
lying in the darkness, contemplating
the sad songs composed by his pity.
He does not matter and you,
in your delusion of mercy,
try to assuage his insignificance.
Do not forget the emptiness
and the fact that he (and you)
are alone in this house.

For a brief moment while
he gropes your insides, (as if
in search of some treasure
a priceless virgin jewel
or a stream of self-effacing pleasure
that smells of pale gold)
you feel as if you are
a little closer to becoming
his half, his body, his heart, his missing
and in your self-erasure
it (you) are perfect.
If only until he spends
his pocketful of change,
you are a thousand million dollars, and slowly
your value decreases.

He recites memorized lines
And you wonder who else
Has heard them before you,
But you tell yourself that
You're the first anyway. That
love is blossoming, no. That
his cock is a cherry tree
towering with blossom, that
you are watering his ego
with your resplendent tears
and sun-like smile, cracked
as a mirror, but
for him nonetheless.

Yes, your body has been used.
And you smile at this fact, knowing
(or perhaps wondering)
if love is not unlike this
mercy of yours. And
your cherry tree boyfriend
in his fruitlessness, in his
towering blossom,
and empty dreaming
you are there. And
in this fact,
you have drowned a thousand little girls.

I would probably rename it too. "Maybe" is such a general title. Hope this helps.
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
well done!! there's a lot of emotion in this and the words just come straight through to you!
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :)
frei76 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
the story of my life ... painfully true!
c1oud9 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful
The last line is exactly how I feel..
The rest of it is great too
DeadOrSleeping Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :)
RescueThisInsane Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
This is very sad, but quite a beautiful piece. Great work.
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