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Submitted on
September 29, 2012
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Fingertips lace around my ribs
And pull at my skin
As my breath catches
At the coolness of your touch.

Calm these trembling hands
And hold them tight in yours.
I'll move my lips on yours
Just so you don't have to.

Hearts beat faster and
My breath shudders with insecurity.
Press my body close to yours
So I don't shatter into fragments.

Lie to me one more time.
Tangle your legs in mine,
Brush your lips along my neck.
Make me feel alive.
I don't regret it.
Not yet.
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:icondevilla666:
Neither do I.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, I love how this is a poem about how one can lie whilst in love, yet is a totally unique interpretation of it. There are no lines that don't express the emotion superbly, and there are no lines that make me think "I've heard this before."

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

My main issue with this is some of the punctuation. I would place a comma after 'skin' (ST 1, L2) otherwise the enjambment goes on for too long. I would also change the period after 'neck' ST 4, L3) into a semi-colon.

I love how the first three ST's show off romance, but have a bit of foreshadowing of something 'sinister' (especially the 'shatter into fragments' line). And then you turn the whole romance thing on its head with ST 4 when you start with 'lie to me'. This implies just sex, or a relationship that's broken beyond repair but still trying to put on the facade of a relationship. This ST is the one I identify with the most, as it reminds me of my previous relationship.

You have put just the right amount of sexual innuendo within this to prove the point you're making without making it an erotic piece that not many will read.

Overall:
A great piece.

:star::star::star::star::star:
Jo
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:iconstarkpretty:
Fantastic work. Don't regret the act nor the moment; it's what makes us live, after all.
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Oct 2, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
And I won't. :)
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:iconstarkpretty:
You're welcome ^^

Good!! :)
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:iconfrei76:
what you write is what I feel... if my heart had voice, these could be its words :heart:
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Oct 1, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :D
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:iconstung1010koth:
stung1010koth Sep 30, 2012  Professional Photographer
Epic!
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:icondeadorsleeping:
DeadOrSleeping Sep 30, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks!
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:iconinvoking:
Invoking Sep 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You can almost literally feel the dripping emotions from this. This plucks at my heartstrings; I absolutely love it.
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