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We Will Never BeI met you on August 18th of 2008.
I remember how hot it was in the classroom
That day and how your eyes widened with confusion
As I sat down next to you.
I will never forget those eyes.
You loved Mondays and dreaded Fridays.
I thought you were crazy and you told
Me that the only reason was so you
Could see me in school.
I still thought you were crazy.
We would do our math assignments on the
Playground and talk about our lives.
We were so different, but you always
Insisted that we were absolutely perfect.
I wish I would have known how right you were.
I miss you so much that I can't sleep.
But I have to keep moving because you
Promised me that we would be again, remember?
You held my hand for a second too long and
Told me that you would see me tomorrow.
And I believed you because your eyes had that same
Warm look in them that you always got when
You would tell me something important.
I've seen you three times since then, and we
Have walked away from each other
I'm Still HereI am screaming again and
Throwing my fists into my mattress.
I am laying here trying so hard
To be something more than this.
My sheets are crumpled from
Being horribly wide awake
And restlessly unconscious,
But they still smell like you.
And it is achingly cruel.
I don't believe I will die,
But I do believe in reckless behavior
Because as hard as I try I
Will never be good enough for you.
My hands don't fit in yours
But I keep trying to force them to.
And I know you will let me
Because I am weak and I
Will undress when you ask me to,
But I really hope you don't.
I am screaming again and
It shakes my bones.
I scream until my voice breaks
And there is nothing left.
I am hollow.
I am empty.
I am too far gone.
When I'm GoneI want to tell you something although I
Don’t know why I even try.
You were never the type who liked
To listen to what was on my mind,
But I’ll just keep talking anyway.
Maybe this time I’ll get through.
Here’s the thing:
I want to be the reason why
You can’t sleep at night,
Or the reason you don’t eat.
I want you to feel that twist
In your stomach when you see
Something that reminds you of me.
I want you to know the
Feeling of a heart that has been torn.
It beats in your chest, but it still isn't
Enough to convince you that you’re alive.
I want you to feel emptiness every
Time you realize that I’m not there,
And that it is because of you.
Believe me when I say I don’t
Miss you, and that I never could have
Possibly been in love with you.
I want you to see what you've done,
And actually mean it when you say you’re sorry.
I want so many things that will never happen
All because you were better than I was.
I Am WishingI am wishing I wasn't alone,
That my brain would shut off,
That people would listen
When I whisper the undeniable truth.
But if no one listens
Then who the hell cares?
I am wishing that you were here
To smother my nightmares
And make me feel like I am safe.
If they can't see what I see
When I close my eyes
Then is it really there?
I am wishing that you still loved me,
That you would feel more for me
Than you do for her,
But I will never be good enough.
If you hold me and say everything is fine
Will it be a lie?
And I just wish you would say something
Because the silence screams
More truth than I can take.
And I just miss the sound of your voice like crazy.
But if I can't feel my own heart beating in my chest
Does that mean I am no longer living?
I don't know
I Might Need YouI think I might need you,
But here's the thing:
I'm spinning out of control
And careening off the side of the road.
I pretend to hold on to the wheel,
But we both know I'll crash.
It wasn't a fair fight.
If you would listen,
If you would actually listen,
You would hear me whispering
"I want you."
"I need you."
And if you would listen,
If you would actually listen,
You would know that
We are horribly wrong
For each other,
And that my words mean nothing.
But what's to stop us from
Sharing our sheets anyway?
We sleep folded together
Like slips of origami paper
Pressed so tightly that
We could not possibly split.
I think I might need you,
But here's the thing:
I really wish I didn't.
I wish it was you,
And not me.
MaybeYour body has been used
By all of those who are broken.
The ones who are trying to repair
Their own wounds with
No regards towards your own.
You are a hand for him to hold
While he thinks of her
And tries to forget the emptiness
And the fact that he is alone.
For a brief moment while
He is inside of you,
You feel as if you are the
Missing half of the whole,
And it is perfect.
He recites memorized lines
And you wonder who else
Has heard them before you,
But you tell yourself that
You're the first anyway.
Your body has been used
By all of those who are broken,
And you begin to wish that
You could be loved once,
And loved most.
I Love You, In A WayI love you in a way that keeps
Me from sleeping at night,
In a way that crushes my heart
Whenever I see her.
It makes it hard for me to write anything
Because I love you and
Hate you all at the same time,
And all I’m doing is confusing everyone.
I want you to love me
All night long just one time,
And I want you to make me not
Regret it the very next day.
I want to throw my arms around
You whenever I see you,
And remember what it was
Like to feel cared for.
Your bed isn’t comfortable anymore,
Nor is your body,
But you still give me the best
Sleep I’ve ever had.
I hope someday I will be younger,
And that I will be out of love with you.
I hope someday you will be older,
And that you will understand.
I Need You To KnowStop.
I need you to stop what you're doing
And listen to me for a second.
I need you to understand my words
Even though they fall carelessly from my lips.
It will only take a few minutes, I promise.
I need you to know that I love you,
And that I always have.
I cared for you more than myself.
Nothing else matter as long as
You were there to comfort me,
And I thank you for that.
I think you should know that when I
Woke up this morning my first thoughts
Were of you, as they are every morning.
I wanted to know how you felt,
If you were okay,
If you were thinking of me…
Now for the hard part:
I need you to know that I don't want this.
Because it completely blindsided me.
I was suddenly picked up out of this universe
And thrown into another.
And now I am constantly needing a reminder of how to breathe.
I did not ask for this.
I could have picked someone better;
Someone who would wrap their arms
Around my waist and mean it when
They say that everything is okay,
But I didn't. I didn't choose.
PleaseI want you to love me
A little like I love you.
Like lovers kissing
For the first time that
It sets the world on fire.
And I plan to burn down
With it because I keep failing
To realize that I'm more than
Just a body for you to touch,
A body for you to hold.
You arms around my ribs
Makes me feel so fragile,
But so safe that I could not
Possibly break while you
And I can feel you hand slipping
From mine even though I beg
You to stay because I hate
The word goodbye and how
You look as you walk away.
I want you to remember me
When you arrive.
And I want you to remember me
When you leave me behind.
Dreaming of YouEvery night I dream of you
wishing upon a star
that you were here for real
Every night I lay in bed
a dream so wonderful
cause you are in it
I dream of being with you
to grow old together
a day never apart
only you are in my thoughts
A feeling so wonderful
it is in my heart
the love that grows
stronger each day
Every night I think of you
our love is for real
you are always here
I dream of happiness
being with you all the time
a dream so magical
that everything seem so real
you are here with me
keeping me safe
throughout the night
After all it is just a dream
but I promise you
that one day it will be real
So for now I will just dream
of seeing you in sight
cause some day it will happen
that you will be in my arms
FragilityWe hold up our heads and look so strong,
But I am certain we are not what we seem:
We are nothing but breakable bodies
And far too fragile dreams.
With frail paper skin soaked with ink,
And bones just made of glass;
Cracked with every single hope
That does not come to pass.
Irrelevant.You were changing, I saw it, but you didn't know,
You changed from who I love to someone I don't know.
I wanted to see who I loved, so I tried my best,
And I saw her, fleetingly, hidden within your breast.
Now, I beseech you, if you've changed, then change,
Don't throw me away for nothing, that's beyond strange.
Don't torture me with the image, of the girl I still love,
Don't torture me with the image of an angel from above.
If you want to change, then please, do so,
Change into a girl that I don't want to know.
Just don't turn into the girl that I love again,
Because I cannot handle being thrown away again.
So if you want, then stop being the girl I love,
Don't torture me with the girl whom I will always love.
I don't belong hereI don't belong
in this world full of hate
Cause it is not who I am
I don't deserve this torture
I don't belong
to live on earth anymore
cause this life was never meant to be
and I'm not worth the suffering in life
I don't belong
to be here to this day
I have given up
the need to belong
I don't think I'm strong enough
to hold onto this life that I live
I don't belong here
to be put through this torment in life
No matter what I try to do
It is never good enough
I don't belong here
it is not what I want in life
There is nothing that we can tell each other
We just stand there
staring at each other
We wonder what had happened
We used to have so much to say
we had so much to laugh
but now there is just silence
and we turn around and
...in different directions
Hoping that we'll never meet again
Everything seem said
and it's over, we're done with it
Denial.I know I'm in denial,
Saying I don't love her.
But I still say it all the while,
Because I have been hurt.
I know I should stop this,
I know I should just face it.
But I can't face up to this,
I can only run away from it.
I know that I still love her,
I would take her back in a heartbeat,
But as I can't have her,
I lie to myself, looking down at my feet.
I know that I still love her,
But Denial is my only friend.
Between the stallsAmung the sinks and filthy tiles
I stay between two dirty walls
I really just need to be here alone
No where but here amung the bathroom stalls.
As I sit upon the toilet lid
I can see the water between my knees
I glare into this toilet bowl
And all I find is a circular sea.
I watch as they drip again and again
The tears come streaming down my cheek
They fall into the bowl directly below
And vanish into the water so bleak.
This is the place I come to hide
This is the place I always go
Where theres a place I can be myself
And not my emotions' puppet show.
I hear the tap of my shoes echo the room
But its shushed asleep by the sound of the flush
This way I can drown my emotions dead
To finally get them to shut up and hush.
I use my sleeves to wipe my eyes
And walk out from between these walls
I walk with nothing but a smile to show
Like nothing happened, even at all
Best DiseaseWaves crash through the emptiness that fills the air around
Beating rocks upon the shore with silence as their sound
Sunset melts across the sky and paints the clouds with color
Lying there beside you, something wondrous like no other
Suddenly, the blades start slicing through my very skin
Every knife upon your tongue that came from far within
Running through the thickest forest, dirt rests in my cuts
Throwing knives into my flesh, the blade coated in rust
And though you are the one that scarred me, brought me to my pain
I continue dreaming of our kiss inside the rain
Maybe you have broken me, and maybe you’re impure.
But your love is the best disease, and you’re the only cure.
Life ItselfThe only time I smiled today
Was when I thought of dying
And how good I am at lying
Each and every single day.
I've got a box of painkillers
They sleep right by my bed
For when all I see is red,
They'll numb it into darkest white.
I've tried talking to people,
But I can't word what I want to say
And maybe I like living this way,
Knowing that I'll die soon.
I know I'm self-destructive
My crosshatch skin screams it
But inside there's a little bit
That still aches to be saved.
I've tried before and I'll try again
To put my worthlessness away
But fate forced me to stay;
Death's a bitch like that.
Life makes me want to die
Yet it won't let me leave
Or grant me a reprieve
From that which it's made me hate;
I Can't Hear You AnymoreThe clouds are heavy tonight,
And I am suffocating,
Choking on my own words
As they fly from my mouth.
You never cared about yourself,
And after your death that
Became hard to think about.
(But I do anyway.)
I suddenly find myself missing
The years we had spent together
And how spider webs would form in
The corners of your eyes when you smiled.
But the thing is that I can’t hear you anymore.
I can’t remember the sound
Of your voice or the feeling of
Your hands as they touched my lips.
You once told me that home
Is where you lie,
But I hate it here, and
I hate living with these ghosts.
To depression, for creating days without endWake up to the realization that you've been awake
for seconds, minutes, hours.
You've been awake in this warm, dark room
and you don't know how long it's been
but now you're conscious
and it starts again--
the pain, strong and steady, in your chest.
You gain consciousness in this too warm morning
and your thoughts whir in endless loops
because it's either that or face the weight in your chest.
Light breaks though the window, soft and unwelcome
but you take it as a reluctant gift--
a new distraction from the feelings awake in your chest.
Awake, but not conscious.
So you think yourself in circles a little while longer
waiting for those quiet pains
(the constant reminder)
to gain consciousness.
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More